


feeling loved

by misschevalier



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Fainting, Hospitals, I'm not even sure how to tag this fic actually, Insecurity, Memories, Multi, very insecure Ryan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-04
Updated: 2015-02-04
Packaged: 2018-03-10 10:24:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3286856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misschevalier/pseuds/misschevalier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was their house, their home.</p>
<p><i>They</i> were home.</p>
<p>(<i>You’re loved, you aren’t a bother and you’re safe.</i>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	feeling loved

**Author's Note:**

> My bestfriend came to me with a question: "what would happend if you can live your memories once again?" And it got me thinking about it and I was " _yeah, what would happen? OH OH, AND IF YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT???? Like, that time you meet someone important or that time that your dog went lost, and you can do nothing about it but just live through it once again?????_ " and then you know, it became feels and then a fic, hurray!
> 
> I always say that I'm going to write another person centric, instead of Ryan.  
> I always lie to myself.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! ♥

 

Ryan didn’t know when all of this started.

Actually, he didn’t know _why_ all of this started.

One day he was totally fine and at the other, he was questioning his own sanity.

He knew he had some problems but never thought he would be getting crazy because of them.

All he wanted was to sleep and not feel so shitty in the morning.

Trying to feel better, Ryan started his day with a cup of coffee in his hand.

The last nights hadn’t been the best because of his insomnia (probably it was also his fault since he haven’t been able to pick up his new medicine.) He was walking around the apartment when he suddenly felt dizzy, lightheaded, faint, and all the synonymous that could come with the word.

He was standing between his kitchen and his living room when it happened.

He closed his eyes, waiting for the imminent impact of his body falling on the floor.

When he opened his eyes, Ryan was sitting on his childhood house back in Georgia.

He was confused, he felt insecure and he didn’t know what was happening.

“Ryan, darling.” He looked up and his mother was kneeling in front of him. Her hands were warm on his cheeks- he had been crying and, observing his mother’s face, it was very probable that she had been crying too. “You need to understand-”

“Where’s dad?” he asked. His voice sounded the same when he was ten years and that give it away. It was a memory and he was reliving it (it wasn’t a flashbacks, he _didn’t_ have those). He couldn’t control his past himself but only see what was happening, feel whatever he felt in that moment.

His mom looked away and caressed his hair, carefully- motherly. “He ain’t coming back, love.” Her voice was sweet and warm and very southern but it didn’t feel like home, he didn’t feel safe. Ryan felt tears falling from his eyes and rolling down by his cheeks.

( _You’re a bother, that’s why he left._ )

He closed his eyes and he felt his mother’s thumbs cleaning his cheeks.                           

When he opened his eyes, he was lying on the floor looking at the ceiling of his apartment.

He felt fine… he didn’t feel dizzy or lightheaded or any of that.

He sat down on the floor and noticed that his cheeks were wet. Ryan cleaned his face with his hands, got up and groaned because now he needed to know how to remove the stain his coffee had left out on the floor.

\---

It was a while until it happened again.

Ryan had been sitting on his couch, laptop on his lap, checking gaming news. He was doing it since he was going to be on The Patch tomorrow but he also wanted to do something else because certain five people had been running around his mind a lot.

Michael, Geoff, Ray, Jack and Gavin sat him down on the office that day to tell him that all of them were in a relationship. Ryan was surprised but, thinking about it, it made sense and everything fell into place. Ryan congratulated them with a smile on his face and making them giggle when he begged to not seeing them fucking in the office- his desk was out of bounds.

Then he started thinking.

They were lovely people, sometimes assholes but most of the time, they were lovely. They made Ryan feel like he belonged somewhere and that meant a lot. They joked with him, they talked with him, they smiled at him. It was good.

Then why he felt _jealousy_ when they told him they were in a relationship?

He sighed and, when getting up from his couch, he felt faint once again. He sat down and tried to breathe deeply, he didn’t want to revive anything- he didn’t want to ask himself if he was getting crazy.

Everything had been fine until now.

He closed his eyes, feeling himself slip into the darkness.

When he opened his eyes, Ryan was standing in front of a gorgeous young girl.

The girl he fell in love with when he was in high school.

“So,” she started, looking down a moment to take Ryan’s hand and he couldn’t help himself but squeeze it. There was silence until she laughed- her laugh lovable and youthful. “Are you going to make the move or do you want me to kiss you first? I mean, you asked me if you could kiss me but I don’t see you-”

He pressed his lips against her while Ryan internally laughed at his thoughts.

_She talks too much. God, she’s so adorable._

Their kiss was sloppy and inexperienced yet new and awesome. Ryan held her close, feeling his stomach curl and twist with what he thought would be butterflies but even after feeling incredibly good, he was insecure about himself.

Insecure about himself and about loving someone else.

( _You’re not loved, don’t be stupid_.)

He felt the girl’s hands pressing on his chest and her lips separating from him.

When he opened his eyes, he was lying on the couch, looking at the ceiling.

Ryan noticed the light coming from the windows and he asked himself how much time he had been out.

In the day, he kept thinking about love over and over again, to the point he was getting a headache for thinking about it too many times. He was curious to know what had happened to her, and with the excuse to take the men out of his mind, he called his mom later in the day.

“Hey mom, remember Nina? The girl I dated in high school? You were close to her mom and I was just curious if you knew anything about her _._ ” He heard his mother’s sigh and he frowned.

“ _Honey, she died years ago,”_ she answered in a soft tone, as if she was whispering a secret _._

_“_ Oh. I didn’t know.”

\---

Today was a slow day at the office.

Jack and Ray were in Australia, Michael and Gavin were out with Burnie to somewhere and Geoff was in a meeting with Matt since the early morning. The main office was alone but Lindsay and Kdin were still on their desk, working in the little room.

Ryan was editing some stuff on the separated computer they had on the other room- they had been working on this awesome new project (which they recorded yesterday) and since it was his own idea, Geoff decided that he had to edit it.

He stretched himself and rubbed his face with his hands.

He took his hands away from his face and the screen in front of him was blurry, he couldn’t even focus properly on it. He didn’t dare to move, thinking _this is the first time it’s going to happen in the office, what do I do?_ But before he could answer himself, he closed his eyes.

When he opened his eyes, Ryan was sitting in one of his college classrooms.

In front of him, his test with a big F on it: the test he had studied so hard for, failed.

He spent days, hours between classes studying and reviewing his notes over and over. He spent nights without sleep making flashcards and writing over and over again, so all of it would get on his brain. He even missed one of his classes so he could get a good table in the library.

Ryan felt a few of his classmates patting his back, as if they were trying to say “you would do better next time,” but Ryan felt as if the universe just fell down on his shoulders.

Why? After so much effort, this was all he got?

It didn’t matter how many times he looked at the test, the teacher was right.

He was wrong in everything.

He didn’t know how long he had been sitting on that chair but he was afraid to get up- he was afraid to move at all because he felt as if he was about to burst into tears at any moment.

“James,” his teacher called. “Are you okay?” He already had gathered all of his papers and books, already to get out to his next class. He smiled softly, his teacher only wished him a nice weekend and left.

Now, Ryan was sitting in an empty classroom, alone. “Fuck.”

( _You’re a burden on the universe’s shoulders_.)

He closed his eyes and pressed the heel of the hand to them, trying to hold the tears.

When he opened his eyes, Ryan had his head resting on his arms and someone was shaking him awake.

“Ryan.” He looked up and Geoff was smiling at him sweetly. “Are you okay? You fell asleep, buddy.”

Ryan sat up straight and combed his hair with his fingers, trying to not thing about the memory or neither that Geoff still had his hand on his shoulder and he had a worried expression on his face.

“Yeah,” he started. “I just- I haven’t been able to sleep right these last nights. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry,” Geoff smiled warmly at him. “You should take a nap on the couch or go home when you finish this. I mean, we already filmed what we needed and today’s a slow day. Got it?”

Ryan observed the older man for a moment before smiling at him. “I’ll accept the offer of the nap.” Geoff shrugged and muttered something like _I guess it’s better than nothing_.

When Geoff left the room, Ryan took deep breathes, almost shaking.

\---

Ryan was too tired.

(Physically, mentally and emotionally.)

He was way too tired; he actually didn’t know how he was awake still.

Ryan had been thinking about the five men and he was getting confused but, at the same time, it didn’t matter. They were in a relationship all together and at any moment they haven’t asked him to be part of it.

_Don’t be stupid, Ryan. They don’t want you with them. You are, and always be, a burden._

He was walking… well, more like stumbling to his bedroom. He felt exhausted and himself was shaking, his legs getting heavy. Then, he felt dizzy, knowing what that meant but Ryan cursed under his breath and basically told the universe to fuck itself because he was going to get to the damn bed.

He left himself fall into the bed and closed his eyes.

When he opened his eyes, he was sitting in front of Geoff, when he first interviewed him for the job.

Ryan didn’t remember what Geoff asked neither he remembered what he answered.

That didn’t matter but it seemed that something he said made him laugh and Ryan felt so strange seeing his new boss laugh so hard. He felt special hearing Geoff’s laugh which, at first, was rich and deep to become loud and sharp to the point he had to recover himself taking a few breathes.

In a blink of an eye, he was standing in front of Jack, both of them shaking hands.

Jack’s eyes were soft and his smile was warm and welcoming and Ryan didn’t remember feeling so at home in one place. Geoff patted his shoulder and pushed him away from the other, saying something that made Jack said “ _Hey, that’s not true_!” and Ryan couldn’t help but giggle.

Blinking again, in front of his desk was Lindsay and, beside her, Michael.

She started saying something about him, giving a full presentation, but Ryan was too busy observing the man’s freckles decorating his face and the tattoos on his arms. “Nice to meet you, Ryan,” Michael extended his hand and Ryan only could smile and shake it.

Blink and he was in front of Ray.

“This is the kid I talked you about,” Jack said, hand on Ray’s shoulder. “He has an amazing gamerscore and he’s incredible at games-” Ray said something that Ryan couldn’t register- “and he’s the new addition to Achievement Hunter.”

Ryan said something that made Ray giggle softly and his heart felt warm because, man, that smile was incredibly pretty and that laugh was so sweet.

Another blink and Gavin was looking at him strangely.

“Well, hello,” he started. Ryan looked at him from the couch, his set up balancing on his lap. “I haven’t seen you around. I’m Gavin.” He presented himself and Gavin’s face light up. “Oh, you’re Ryan! Geoff told me about you but I guess we didn’t have the chance to get a right presentation and-”

Oh god, he talked a lot.

Ryan blinked.

(They were nice, they _are_ nice.)

When he opened his eyes, Ryan was lying down on the bed, face pressed up against the mattress.

He climbed until his head was on the pillows and let himself fall once again.

Ryan fell asleep with a warm feeling on his chest, only to wake up minutes later to realize that _yes_ , they were nice but he would never be theirs or that they would never be his.

He just lied there, looking at the ceiling.

\---

He had spend his whole day at the office and now he was driving back home.

It had been both awesome and hurtful. They had this incredible long recording sessions and spending time with the five men is always funny and extraordinary but, at the same time, today he got to see them interact more (kisses and tender yet soft touches) and that was something Ryan didn’t know he wanted.

He pulled up on his parking space when the dizziness hit him straight in the face. “Shit,” he muttered to himself, breathing deeply. “Not again.” He knew he wasn’t going to make it to his apartment so he closed his eyes and waited for the dark to come.

When he opened his eyes, it was dark and he was looking into someone else’s eyes.

“I love you,” Ryan whispered to the man in front of him. He saw him smile, before kissing him slowly.

He felt the man’s fingers tracing his skin and the man’s mouth kissing each one of the few freckles Ryan had on his shoulder. He shuddered and shivered, feeling the warm on his skin along with the cold fingertips.

It was intimate and like nothing Ryan had felt before, which made it more exciting. Between moans and gasps, he whispered more than one time _I love you_ and the man only muttered his name, never replying to Ryan’s confession.

He closed his eyes, moaning.

In a blink, he was sitting on his bed, alone. The man he fell in love with just left- he trusted him, he gave him everything (his mind, his heart, his body and soul.) One night, three words and he never returned. Ryan felt heartbroken and, that day more than ever, he felt insecure about himself.

( _You’re not loved, you’re a bother, you’re afraid about everything_.)

He just closed his eyes. Lying down on his bed, all he wanted was to disappear.

All he wanted was to disappear, vanish.

He was a _burden_.

A burden, a bot _her, a bother_.

When he opened his eyes, he was shaking badly and crying and he was a mess and he had to hold a screaming coming up his throat. He tried to breathe in and out, _in and out_ , but nothing worked.

Ryan started the ignition and drove away from his house.

He wasn’t sure how he got to Jack’s house without crashing into someone, or even something.

He was still breathing fast and shaking when he found himself in front of Jack’s door, knocking. A breeze of air and the coldness of it made him realize that what he was doing was stupid. Ryan was about to walk back to his car when the door opened and Michael was standing there, looking at him.

“Ryan?” He asked, confused. He started apologizing for bothering at this hour and he tried to get back to his car but Michael stopped him. “Hey, hey. Are you okay?”

(Michael’s hands were warm on his cold skin.)

Suddenly, he was sitting on Jack’s living room couch.

Jack was caressing Ryan’s back, trying to calm him down, and it seemed like it worked. His breathing wasn’t so elaborated and his shaking had almost disappeared. Michael came to sit down with them at one point and they were talking softly about anything- which made Ryan felt a lot comfortable.

“I should go,” he said, making the move to get up from the couch. “I have bothered enough.”

_Bother, bother, you’re a bother_.

“No, god,” Jack started, pulling him back down. “It’s too late, at least sleep on our guest room.”

Their guest room- not Jack’s or Micha _el_ ’s _, their guest room. Their house._

“Okay,” Ryan replied. “Thank you. I’m so sorry I came without saying anything-”

“It’s okay, Rye-bread!” Michael interrupted him, smile on his face. “It’s good to know that you would search for help in us.” Jack nodded, smiling too.

Ryan felt warm and felt safe.

( _What’s happening to me_?)

\---

“No, he came at midnight shaking horribly.” Ryan woke up hearing Jack’s voice at the other side of the door. He hid his face on his pillows, trying to stop the sound of the man’s voice. “Geoff, I’m telling you, he looked bad. Shaking and crying, it wasn’t very good.”

Ryan took a deep breath and suddenly he felt overwhelmed: everything smelled like Ray.

“Gavin! Put Geoff back on the phone.” Silence. “Yes, he’s with us, don’t worry. Geoff will tell you the rest.”

(Probably the house wasn’t that big and they had to split into different beds.)

_That’s none of your business, Ryan._

“Yeah, I’m just glad he came to us.” Silence. “He’s sleeping right now.”

He sat down on the bed, looking down at the shirt that Jack lent him.

“Yeah, we’re still going to see houses… yes, don’t be silly.” Ryan was sure that Jack was smiling softly at this point. “I love you. Tell the boys I love them too. See you later,” and then, silence.

Ryan started picking up his things and putting on his own clothes. He came out of the room quietly before walking downstairs: he didn’t want to alert Jack that he was up. Maybe leaving a note was the easiest thing-

“Ryan,” Jack called him and Ryan froze on the spot. “Are you already leaving?”

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t want to cause any more trouble.”

“Oh, c’mon, you’re not trouble. At least let me make breakfast. I’m doing pancakes.”

Ryan looked around in silence, asking himself what he should do.

Obviously, looking into Jack’s eyes wasn’t helping. “Okay, I guess I can stay for a moment.”

He sat down on Jack’s kitchen, talking to him and sometimes sipping the cup of tea that the man offered him. (“ _Geoff told me about falling asleep editing. It’s okay, it happens. You just should take care of yourself_.”) Michael appeared when Jack started making the pancakes, as if the smell woke him up.

They talked over breakfast and, when finished, Ryan got up and thanked them for having him.

“Anytime, Ryan. You’re more than welcome with us.”

\---

The last few days had been quiet in his mind.

Mostly because his chest is heavy with feelings he shouldn’t have. His mind is just fog meanwhile his chest is burning and it felt confused, as if it had his own mind. Ryan tried taking it easy but it’s quite difficult when your problems are your coworkers.

They have been smiling at him more than normal, they had been inviting him over for lunch or game nights, they have been lot closer to him than normal and Ryan enjoyed that. Yet, he was sure that his mind and heart were going to forget about them soon. They had their own relationship and Ryan was sure they didn’t want anyone else.

They were happy and he could notice that.

He was about to get up from his chair when Geoff stopped him, with a smile.

“I- well, _we_ want to talk to you, Ryan.” He blinked a few times and nodded, sitting back down on his own chair. All of them left whatever they were doing before turning their chairs to them and Ryan suddenly felt nervous. Did he did something wrong? He had been editing and recording with them just fine, what-?

“Geoffrey? It’s for today.” Gavin looked at him expectantly. Geoff cleared his throat and Ryan just looked at them in silence.

“We want to ask you something,” Geoff started and Ryan was sure he had a confused frown on his face. “You know we’re in a relationship,” he nodded, “and we realized that we’re missing someone else. I know it sounds strange-”

“We like you and we want you to be with us.” Ray said, smile on his face. Gavin and Michael were also smiling while Jack and Geoff still had a serious face.

“You know, we can go slow as you want- if you accept, of course,” Jack giggled nervously. “Each one of us will take you to dates and we’ll try our best to make you feel comfortable with us.”

Ryan’s heart was racing and his mind was confused.

They had been flirting with him for the past few days and he had been ignoring it. They had been asking him to get lunch with them and he always refused. They wanted him in their relationship and that was what Ryan had been wanting for a while.

His problem was that he didn’t know what to think.

He didn’t know what to _feel_.

“No,” he answered.

It was _their_ relationship, why the wanted someone who’s a bother?

A _burden, a bother._

“No,” he repeated and tried to look away from their sad expressions. “No, no, I’m so sorry,” and after saying that, he got up from his chair and almost ran away from the office. He got outside Stage 5 and sighed when he was out of that small space.

He looked around and found Patrick smoking. He walked towards him and asked him for a cigarette. “Are you okay, Ryan? You’re shaking,” he said, lighting up Ryan’s cigarette. He only nodded and took a deep breath, feeling the smoke filling his lungs.

“Yeah, it’s just… you know, withdrawal.” Ryan lied and Patrick nodded, both of them smoking in silence.

He didn’t want to go back to his desk, he didn’t want to be close to the boys, he didn’t want to exist.

Ryan took one last draw of his cigarette before throwing it to the floor and stepping on it.

He thought that if he accepted the offer, it wouldn’t have worked out. They would be a lot happier without him because he always ruined things- they didn’t need someone who ruined their lovely relationship.

You’re _a_ _burden, a bo_ ther.

He entered the building as if nothing ever happened.

\---

The awkwardness had slowly faded away and they returned to their normal selves.

Ryan sometimes caught their smiles and their touches and, even when his heart hurt, he shook it off with the thought _they’re better without me, you’re a bother, they’re better without me even when you love them._ Ryan loved them but he thought about the best for everyone.

He hasn’t had any memories coming back at him since that night at Jack’s but today he had this strange feeling on his chest, as if his heart was about to burst from his chest and into the desk in front of him. He rubbed his face more than once, trying to shake away the feeling.

It seemed like he wasn’t doing a good job hiding his uneasiness and he could see, in the corner of his eye, Geoff looking at him in time to time and he could feel the Lad’s eyes fixed in the back of his head.

He sighed and decided that maybe he just needed to get a bit of air.

He got up and then realized that it was a bad decision.

“Ryan?” Jack called, looking at him. He waved at his friend, as if he was trying to say that he was fine. He moved away from his desk, hand on the back of his chair, and stepped towards the door.

This time, he didn’t feel faint, he didn’t feel faint or dizzy or lightheaded or any synonymous of those word. Instead, the world shook around him as if it was an earthquake, as if the world was coming to an end around him.

He didn’t remember closing his eyes but he remembered the boy’s voices calling his name and the darkness around him. He couldn’t do anything but fall into it.

When he opened his eyes, he was looking at the ceiling.

Ryan lied there, trying to remember what happened, then he realized that this wasn’t his house or his room or even his bed. He looked around, noticing the enormous bed under him. He was confused, because he could move by himself. Had everything been a dream? This was a memory? It couldn’t be, he didn’t remember this place and, at the same time, he did remember it.

Everything felt so strange yet he felt…

He felt fine.

Ryan got up from the bed, pulled a hoodie over his head and opened the door. He looked around, searching for something, and then walked downstairs.

It was like he knew this house like the back of his hand without even remembering how the back of his hand looked like. (Well, now he became Gavin and his strange logic.)

He started hearing noise coming from the kitchen and he walked towards it, slowly and carefully.

Ryan silently observed the men inside the kitchen: Geoff was cooking breakfast while Jack made coffee and served everything on different cups. Ray was sitting on the table, trying not to fall asleep while Michael and Gavin laughed softly over something that Ryan didn’t get to hear.

All of them were talking softly, enjoying their morning together.

They were happy.

He felt his chest tightening because, well, they were happy without him.

He was about to go back when he heard Ray calling him softly and he froze.

So, this was real. They were real, they could see him, he was real.

“Ryan?” Ray called again, getting up from his chair. Ryan turned to look at the younger boy, who was smiling at him warmly. “Good morning,” he said, before standing on his toes to give the man a kiss.

Ray kissed him.

What was happening?

Ray pushed him in to kitchen and he noticed all of the boys smiling at him warmly.

(Safe _,_ sa _fe, safe_.)

“Good morning,” Jack greeted him, leaving a kiss on his cheek before returning his attention to serving the coffee exactly as everyone took it in the morning. “We let you sleep a bit more, we know that you had trouble these past few days.”

“Yeah, Rye-bread,” Michael said, patting the chair next to him. “I don’t know how you kept sleeping while Gavin made all that noise this morning,” and Gavin squawked next to them, making Ray giggle.

( _Loved, loved, loved_.)

“Hey,” Geoff said, hand on his shoulder, lips on his temple. Ryan couldn’t help himself but lean at the touch, wanting to feel it desperately; he was smiling softly at the other man. Geoff moved away and Jack gave him his cup of tea, just like that morning when he stayed over with him and Michael.

He continued hearing them talk over breakfast, sometimes they would fall into a comfortable silence and sometimes they would be loud and noisy but Ryan couldn’t complain- he didn’t want to complain.

Everything felt right.

_Home_.

The realization struck into Ryan like lighting because he had been searching for this. He had been searching for a way to feel safe and loved; he didn’t feel like a burden, didn’t feel a bother around them.

It was their house, their home.

_They_ were home.

( _You’re loved, you aren’t a bother, and you’re safe._ )

All the heads turned to him when he left a sob come out of his mouth- god, and now he was crying? “Ryan,” Gavin said, eyes wide. All of them were quite surprised seeing him cry, his own hands covering his mouth. Geoff moved his chair closer to him and pulled into his chest.

“What’s wrong, buddy? Are you okay?” Geoff’s voice was sweet and warm and made him feel safe, all the things he ever wanted to feel. Those words made him tear up even more, bringing his arms around the older man, holding him like a lifeline. Geoff held him, caressing his hair and whispering “I got you, love, don’t worry. It’s okay, you’re safe.”

Ryan felt Jack’s hand on his tight, Michael’s hand on his arm, caressing him softly. He could hear chairs moving and suddenly he had two pairs of arms around him, pulling him even closer to Geoff.

Home, home, hom _e, safe, war_ m, love, hom _e, home, home_.

Ryan was crying because he was so happy that he could burst into confetti.

Everything he had been searching for- everything he wanted was under his nose and in front of him all this time, even when he wanted to ignore it. They were safe and warm and loving and they were home.

He closed his eyes and all he could feel was warmness, like a human blanket around his shoulders; someone was holding him as if he was the most precious thing in the universe and Ryan hadn’t feel so loved.

\---

“Hey there, sunshine.”

Those were the first words Ryan heard. That warm and sweet yet sleepy voice greeted him and, even before knowing what happened or where he was, Ryan felt safe.

When he opened his eyes, he was looking into a semi dark room. There was a dim light on his right and, on his left, there was a curtain covering a big glass window. When he could focus properly, he met eyes with Geoff, who was giving him a soft smile at him.

“Hey,” he repeated and Ryan felt a hand holding his. “How are you feeling?” Geoff stepped into his bed, to touch something in the wall, but Ryan couldn’t focus on what Geoff was doing because he was there, on his side.

“Why are you here?” Ryan asked, frowning. His throat felt dry but he didn’t want to _bother_ Geoff right now. Bot _her_ , _bo_ ther. Geoff noticed and served him a cup of water, then helped him.

“It was a surprise knowing that I’m your emergency contact,” the man answered, looking at him. “We made sure that your mother also knew about you, Michael took care of telling her you were in the hospital.”

Hospi _tal? Why he was in the hospital?_

It seemed like he was talking aloud and Geoff only held his hand tighter. “You fainted at work. Gave us quite the scare, actually,” he said, looking between Ryan and the room door. “The boys wanted to stay here too but only one visitant can stay overnight, so I told them to get rest and I’d stay with you. If anything changed, I’ll-”

He fell quiet when a nurse entered the room, smiling warmly at both of them. She checked Ryan’s vitals, talked to him for a moment (asking him questions) and then she left, with the promise of coming back with a doctor. Ryan couldn’t register a lot of what she said because Geoff _stayed with him_ andthey _worried about him even after he rejected all of them without explanation._

Ryan’s chest felt tight but he felt warm, they cared about him.

_They_ were and are home.

“Yes,” Ryan said, out of the blue. Geoff looked at him in silence, a confused expression on his face. He was quiet for a moment, trying to find the right words. (Felt his fingertips became cold, his stomach started knotting itself, he was nervous.) “I like you and I wanna be with all of you.”

Geoff looked at him, _observed_ him, and Ryan hasn’t thought about _what_ _if they don’t want me anymore?_ Both of them were in still, as if a wrong movement could break down everything.

“Only if, you know,” Ryan continued, “only if you still feel like you’re missing someone, of course.”

Geoff’s expression was soft and he smiled widely after a while. He took Ryan’s hand and brought it close to his lips, kissing the man’s knuckles. “You’re the worst, Haywood,” Geoff mumbled. “We thought you hated us. I thought you were going to come one day saying that you quit, god, you had me worried.” The older laughed and Ryan’s heart couldn’t help but skip a beat at those words.

They meant so much.

Ryan smiled gently feeling Geoff’s lips kissing his knuckles over and over again. “I was searching for something a while and you made me realize it had been always in front of me.”  

Geoff smiled and nodded, then moved his hand to caress softly his hair (and they felt exactly like they felt in his dream.) Ryan couldn’t take his eyes off Geoff’s, mostly because he was scared this was a dream, that he would close his eyes and when he opened them, he would be lying on his bed, looking at the ceiling.

“Go back to sleep,” the older man said to him. “I’ll call the others in the morning, tell them the news.” Ryan hesitated for a moment before closing his eyes but he quickly relaxed under Geoff’s touch because he was warm and his fingers were gentle.

For the first time in a while, Ryan felt weightless and without problems.

For the first time in years, Ryan could sleep through a whole night.

For the first time, Ryan felt safe and loved.

For the first time, Ryan was happy.

\---

When he opened his eyes, he was looking at the ceiling.

He sat down on the bed and yawned, he looked at the unmade bed (the different blankets pulled away and even some of them on the floor) and got up. Ryan went to the bathroom and when he came of out it, put on a hoodie and walked downstairs.

It was just like his memory: Geoff was making breakfast while Jack made coffee. Ray was looking at something on his phone while Michael and Gavin talked quietly on the table.

They were happy.

They were happy _with_ him.

“Well, hello there, Sleeping Beauty,” said Geoff when he caught him with the corner of his eye. All of the other men were looking at him, smiling softly. He greeted them before entering the kitchen. Jack pulled his hoodie, bringing him close to give him a kiss that Ryan happily returned.

Geoff did the same, smiling like an idiot (because probably he hasn’t had his first cup of coffee and he was still drowsy.) Ryan then kissed Michael and Gavin’s heads, both of them humming softly. He kissed Ray’s forehead before sitting on the table, looking at them.

They ate, talked and joked around breakfast.

Ryan sat there looking at them, hearing their voices and smiling and laughing when they said something funny but he couldn’t take one thought out of his mind.

They were his and he was theirs.

That made his chest warm and made his stomach feel funny.

Gavin and Michael were having a discussing when Ryan felt a hand caressing his hair and he closed his eyes, leaning at the touch, the other voices being on the background. “Are you okay, love?” Geoff asked, kissing his temple and Ryan nodded and hummed, a smile forming on his lips.

Ryan didn’t know when all of this started, he didn’t know why all of this started but, right now, he didn’t care because those memories, those weird things, showed him what he was missing all along, all this time. Feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling warm.

Ryan felt alright.

Everything was right.

He was finally at home.

**Author's Note:**

> With Monty passing away, I felt really inspired by all his work and now he gave me strength to do a lot of things- one of them is finishing lots of my fics and being more creative. Thank you Monty! You were such an amazing person!
> 
>    
> [my tumblr. ✮](http://speaksarcastically.tumblr.com/)


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